You Can't Die From Lack of Sleep, but You Can Scare the Bejesus Out of the Hair-Washing Lady at the Salon

I finally got my hair done. I needed it. The gray strands of hair were starting to take over and outnumber the black strands. And, the lovely deep red highlights Leo had originally given me had grown out about two inches and turned a brassy copper.

I plopped down in my hairdresser's chair, ready to talk about the dandelions growing from my scalp. I looked in the mirror and saw the last three weeks written all over my face.

I'd spent them nursing various and sundry illnesses that my kids seemed to keep passing back-and-forth to each other. Running to the doctor, picking up medicine, holding the 1-year-old until I thought my arm was going to completely dislocate at the shoulder. Taking the 4-year-old to the emergency room on a Sunday after she started screaming bloody murder (ear infection). Up at all hours with a congested 1-year-old who couldn't fall asleep and then holding him over my shoulder for hours so he could breathe more easily.

On top of it, not enough work accomplished during the day means more work into the night. In other words, I haven't slept for three weeks. Now, when I usually complain about not sleeping, I usually mean that I haven't slept ENOUGH. The last three weeks, I'm talking about not sleeping AT ALL.

So, with the kids finally on the mend (at least for now), I go to get my hair done (although, my mommy martyr instincts nearly won, which would have resulted in a canceled appointment and three more months of buns and ponytails).

Highlights first. Every time I blinked, my eyes would threaten to shut for good. I kept imagining propping them open with toothpicks. The thing is, I'm fine if I'm sleep deprived...as long as I don't stop moving. The minute I sit, relax, take it down a notch, it's over. Lights out.I'm cooked. Finished. Sayanora, sucka.

Made it through the highlights. Next, under the heat. I got a magazine out and started reading a Cosmopolitan article about how to lose five pounds in one week (drink water whenever you're hungry, thirsty or bored). I found the page getting blurry if I stared at it too long, which makes things complicated because reading involves staring at pages too long. My head started bobbing forward. I think I might have fallen asleep for a minute, but woke up with my head strangely cool and Leo standing in front of me asking if I was ready to get my hair washed.

I shuffle over to the hair washing station and sit down. The woman starts working the warm water through my hair...and that's all I remember. I fell into a deep coma-like sleep probably within 15 seconds of getting my hair washed. Now, only a select few people know what I do before I fall into a super deep sleep. Right before I hit the point of no return, I twitch -- violently. Sort of like a bolt of lightening has just hit me or some supernatural demon has just gained entry into my body. At least that's the way it's been described to me.

So, there I am sleeping, sleeping, sleeping and all of the sudden...I twitch. My body convulses so abruptly that my neck snaps in that little dip in the hair-wash sink. "Aaaah!" I yell. "Oh, sorry. Uh. Who did? Where went? Do that...What?" I mumble all disoriented. And, as if twitching in front of the hair-wash lady, who probably thought I was having some sort of seizure, wasn't bad enough I then sit up and notice I've drooled all over my chin. Cute.

I go to get up and she says, "We're not done yet. We need to still condition." At that point, I see that my hair is still sopping wet. Christ. I'm a mess. Falling on my face, drooling all over myself, not knowing where the hell I am or what I'm doing...What's next? Am I accidentally going to shit my pants?

I'm going to bed now before I cause any more damage to myself.

Good night...pray for me.