I Can Cut Glass With Them

So, I'm reading one of my favorite blogs, The Cut, and I stumbled upon an older article about a fashion trend that was ubiquitous on London runways this past fall -- nipples.

According to the article, the New York sheer-clothing trend was taken to new levels during London's fashion week extravaganza in September. Apparently, every designer was serving up see-through sundaes topped off with cherry nipples.

I couldn't help but imagine what it would look like if I was to sport a sheer top.

First of all, after breastfeeding two children, my nipples just don't take it easy anymore. They are super high-strung and prone to acute anxiety. They also look like they're on some sort of warpath -- ready to attack any and all strange intruders. I'm always a little surprised when my husband makes it to second base that he doesn't scream out, "Ow! Damn! I've been cut!"

A friend once told me she had seen her mother topless and was alarmed by the sheer length of her nipples. She said they "looked like they could cut glass." At the time, I remember thinking. Holy shit, what mutant form of human teat was this woman born with? Not until years later did I realize she was not BORN with those glass-cutting nipples. Some baby sucked the bejesus out of them and she'd been left with the wreckage.

Second of all, it just wouldn't be cute. All the girls in the runway pics had small, but supple breasts, and perky nipples. If my boobs actually had any breast tissue left in them, the nipple issue probably wouldn't be so...dramatic. But, the deflated-balloon boobs actually HIGHLIGHT the nipple issue. Hot.

So, I digress. But, my point is, no sheer tops sans bra for this mommy, unless the "slashed" look suddenly becomes in vogue again. If they can cut glass, they'll certainly slice through chiffon.