I have not blogged in foh-evah. Foh-evah, evah. And like everyone who lives life on this planet of ours, lots of stuff has happened. Lots and lots. Birthdays, visits, family, friends, work. The stuff of suburban family life right? I take a shit-ton of pictures with my phone and I post a shit-ton to Instagram. It's almost like so much happens, I need a way to keep track of it all in some sort of tangible form. And as I get older and my kids get older, I feel more of this compulsion to hold on to our moments -- happy and sad -- in picture or written form.
My little blog has become part of that effort. For me, it has become a way to stay true and honest to my feelings, who I am, etc. -- no matter what. My feeling is if I write the hard thing, press that "post" button and let it out into the universe, it can't hurt me anymore. Or at least it hurts me less. There. I said it. No more hiding.
And I can't wait for my adult kids to read it. To know that their mom was NOT perfect. And she struggled and got pissed and cursed and cried. To know that feeling imperfect is not anything to hide from or be ashamed of. It is part of being a frickin' human being, kids. And if you sit in that imperfectness for a little while...you will learn and grow and maybe, just maybe, be happier and fuller as a human being because of it.
As a result of my need to observe, analyze and make sense of difficult things in my life, I often feel that when things are happy and wonderful, I don't blog. To write about all the simple and sweet things in my life feels...showy. Inauthentic, almost. But, really it's not either.
I also want my kids to know I was really fucking happy in life. I had FUN. I loved their dad more than I can even write about here on this little blog. And we were the best of friends. I loved them and their poopy jokes (most of the time). I loved to laugh...loud and hard. And dance. That I was their mom always, but I was also MORE THAN MY MINIVAN (that one's for you, S.)
So, to that end, 2013 thus far has been all about the seriousness that I write about here (and don't write about here), but it has also been about moments that send me so far into the stratosphere of happiness I believe my little, fragile body won't be able to take it...
1 week ago